Baby Love

Every single school morning there are a certain number of things that have to get done to get out the door.  Mothers and Fathers know what they are and we tend to end up reminding everyone else what they are over and over again.

One morning sometime after both boys were in school full time, we had a terrible morning. I was having to remind everyone (not kindly) to get dressed, eat their breakfast, put on their shoes, don't forget your lunches.  After that, I had to chase them down outside to get in the car.  And again, don’t forget your lunches. I lost it, started yelling.  Things deteriorated from there.  I ended up having to go back to school to apologize and tell them I love them.

But every single family has to get things done every morning.  There had to be a better way! I refused to start my days being ignored 10 times for each of the 12 things total that needed to get done.  I called my sister, Maud, who is the first I turn to in times of child-rearing crises, and their teacher, Lisa.  By the next morning, I had a plan and it was ready to go.
It centered around a chart of the week with the six things each one had to do to get ready in the morning. We made and read over the charts together and talked about how it is the boys' responsibility to get ready in the morning.  I'm willing to help to some extent if asked, but I was not going to say anything to remind them.  The kitchen timer was going to be set with an agreed upon amount of time for each item.  They get to put a sticker or a check mark on an item only if it is done before the timer goes off.  If there were enough stickers by the end of the week, they could earn a treasure from a box I filled with little things.

The first morning was a dream.  Probably because my tantrum was only the day before.  But even the first week or so went just as hoped.  How wonderful the mornings instantly became.  Everyone doing their thing.  All I had to do was set the timer. This was so much more conducive to starting the day right.  They picked treasures at the end of the week.

Inevitably, the excitement of the treasure wore down.  We fell into our old ways.  I ended up reminding them to "do your chore chart" for lack of being able to stay quiet.  And then there's the wonder: should they be learning that one gets a reward for doing what one should do for oneself?  At the time, I was desperate and knew I needed a bait.  I hoped that as time wore on, they would do it because they have learned that mornings are so much more enjoyable when we have time to talk, play (if the timer hasn’t gone off yet), and when I’m happy and loving instead of angry and yelling.

That is, in fact, what happens.

Over the past couple years the charts have evolved.  We use them when someone gets a bit forgetful or slow.  Sometimes they are carefully made and decorated, sometimes jotted down quickly on a Monday morning starting to go wrong.  The chores themselves have changed as getting dressed is never an issue anymore, but now there’s walking the dog and sweeping the floor to remember.  Sometimes only one of us has a chart. I say “one of us” because I now have a chart too; it helps me feel good about all I do every morning, it helps Per and Oli see how much I do every morning, and it helps me keep track of what I can pass on next.  Now the chart has to be PERFECT for the week, before any reward is discussed. The rewards themselves have also changed, from treasures unseen, to something small sitting on the windowsill waiting, to being able to watch a movie.  It’s tough to get a perfect week, so the achievement is worth a little something.  Stickers are still fun too.  For each perfect day in a week, Oli gets to put one more sticker on (ie 1 the first day, 2 the second, etc.) 

So whenever I find myself getting frustrated in the morning repeating myself, I know it’s time to get back to a chore chart.  But don’t forget the timer!

(those are legos P&O attached to my chart)

As a mother focused on healthy eating and habits, the occurrence of Halloween each year is not overly welcome.

But there's no fighting the fun and excitement.

Here's a suggestion for dealing with all that candy:  let them eat it, with no restrictions.

Well, not quite.  In our family we have a "sweets on the weekends only" rule.  This year it was convenient that Halloween was on a Friday as it left the weekend following for unrestrained candy consumption. We even encourage faster consumption by asking for donations to the parents.  Only Oli had leftovers, which i put away for the next weekend, during which i hope he'll finish it off.

Here's my thinking: it's unavoidable and it's unhealthy.  Eating it enmass gets it over with, rather than a slow distribution over possibly two months that will lead straight into the Christmas candy season. The last thing we need, as cold and flu season settles in, is a slow diet of sugar going on for weeks.  A weekend binge, I would argue, is much better than a sugar diet.

It's a busy world.  There's much to get done and it's hard when little ones are chomping at our heels with questions and requests.  How tempting it is to turn on a movie to secure some peace, get things done.  Or, it's a voice in our heads that says we've done that too much; we should sit down and play, pay attention.

I'd like to suggest another alternative: allow some boredom to happen.  You are busy, getting something done.  Our kids need to learn how to keep themselves busy too.  Instead of always having an activity, game or movie to occupy their minds, a little free time, space, quiet. What do they do with themselves?

It's not easy, as a parent, to provide this time.  It's easier to make sure there will be quiet and it takes patience with the disturbances that do happen. But with practice, not only does boredom happen, but the solutions to boredom as well.

You know how small children don't like to put on their jackets before going outside?  "It's cold outside!" you say, and darnedly observant beings that they are, they likely think you're crazy to put something hot and restricting on when they're perfectly comfortable in whatever they're wearing.  You already have your jacket on so you're getting hot, it's getting late, and it's a pain.

If that's the only battle you'll have that day, congratulations.  But if you'd rather save your energy for something else, try this:  wait until you're outside or it's cold to put on the jacket; it only makes sense.  Of course if you're actually at the North Pole and your child will get frostbite unless the jacket is zipped up before you open the door to the outside, by all means do what you need to do.  But if it's a matter of letting the child just start to feel cold, try it.

It may seem to take more time-- putting on a jacket in the back seat of the car outside, or waiting until you're out on the sidewalk or in a vestibule instead of in your warm apartment-- and numerous passers-by will tell you to "put your child's jacket on!" because it's cold outside, but it's actually more comfortable for the child to wait, and the timing makes sense.  As the child learns that it's cold outside, he may even start saying "jacket now!" just before you go outside.

UPDATE: Abigail suggests (below) giving the child a choice: "Do you want to carry your jacket or put it on now?"  This seems like a good idea for children who like choices.

Let me know what happens if you try this!

My nephews Per and Oli with their dog Willy (photo by Joel Olson)

I don't know if it's just late-summer impatience or what, but lately I've been hearing a lot of "Stop doing that" from parents out and about with their children. A quick "stop that" oftentimes works, but when it doesn't and you find yourself repeating the negative command...

One area of conflict with toddlers and preschoolers which seems universal is times of transition.  "Okay, now we're going outside" or "Now it's time to eat dinner" can make a toddler upset since they're likely absorbed in whatever they're already doing.  Some parents make it worse by not only announcing a complete change in activity, but also asking for approval for such a strange and upsetting idea:  "Now we're going in the car, okay?" the parents ask.

Kicking, punching and yelling?  Yes, and also focus, body control, discipline.  I started studying karate about five years ago for exercise and the art of it, at a very traditional school.  Seeing me practice inspired our younger daughter, who was then nine, to join also.  Now we're both black belts (just tested this past year) and I have to say it has been a great thing and a calming thing for us both.  If you're interested, check out the video I made there in the column on the right.

Once I was on the beach with our younger daughter Natalie, and she and I were walking from where we'd parked to where our towels were.  I don't remember where everyone else was or why I was walking so fast, but I stopped to look back at her since she was lagging behind.  She was about 3 at that point and she was holding a shell.

I am thinking of writing a follow-up to Baby Love: A Tradition of Calm Parenting about the toddler and preschool years.  I have a lot of ideas for topics but I'm also interested in your ideas for topics you'd like to see me include or touch upon.

Happy Fathers Day to the Dads!
The strong snuggly arms, the slap-dash diaper changes, the shoulder-carries, the airplane-whooshes, all the support of the moms-- you may not have milk, but boy are you the best!

We all want our babies to grow out of diapers, but in many ways it's easier when they're in diapers, right?  You can set up or find a clean place to change a diaper anywhere, but clean toilets are rarely nearby when you're on the go with a toddler or young child.  

This blog is written by Maud Bryt and Abigail Olson, who are sisters.  Maud has two daughters, and Abigail has two sons.

The blog started as a companion to the book Baby Love: A Tradition of Calm Parenting which was written by Maud Bryt and published in 1998.